So I'm going to turn 28 in about two weeks. Most of the time, this is what I look forward to for the entire year. I am definitely a "words of affirmation" type of girl, so when people tell me the things they love about me on a special day, I usually look forward to it...
But this year, things are different.
I feel like I'm running on the treadmill of life, but its going way faster than I can keep up with. Or maybe I'm trying to hold water in my hands. Everything just seems to be slipping away too fast. I know, I know, I'm "just" 28. But life is definitely not what I thought it would be at 28.
I guess when I had things planned out, I saw a husband here at this point with possible thoughts towards children. Living in a house somewhere, going through our day to day routine. Together.
But that's not even close to my story.
Instead, that's everyone else's story around me. Celebrating anniversaries, having date nights, planning birthday parties, cuddling on the couch together. Cooking dinner, shopping for groceries, sitting in the same room with someone...all together.
I'm not looking forward to my coming birthday. It's just another reminder that I'm another year older and I'm becoming more alone with each passing day.
And I know that this isn't a cheery blog post. This is real life. It's messy sometimes. And this is definitely the messy part of my life. My faith has definitely been tested in this. I've prayed and prayed. I've gotten no answer. And with no answer in this (what I want most), I feel like maybe I won't get any other answers in life. But I know that this is my greatest test. So I have to be stronger than what I feel. But I can't say that I have good days every day. They are actually few and far between lately. I find comfort in very little anymore. But I'm confident that even in my brokenness and my doubt, maybe a mustard seed will shine through and keep me afloat. That's all He said I needed anyway.
