"or do you not think so far ahead? cause i've been thinkin' bout forever."

side note before i get started with this one: i realized in my last post that my blog posted it as a jumbled up conglomerate of sorts. it looked like how my 5th graders start out writing at the beginning of the year, using no paragraphs. i, indeed did, use paragraphs, but they were not posted that way and i couldn't figure out what was going on. i think i have solved the problem this time. if i haven't, then welcome to our world as teachers. fortunately, i think my writing may be a bit more interesting than a 10 years olds...hopefully.

okay, so this one is kind of a wake up call for me. maybe God has been trying to call me out on my faith because all of these things have been leading up to Him really showing me something today. i'll be honest and say that i've been "negative nancy" when it comes to this whole "finding my husband" thing. and im being honest because i know those of you who know me well will call me out (some of you reading this are "uh huhing" at the computer right now...don't deny). last week, our pastor preached a sermon on sowing seeds of prayer. and man, sowing seeds of prayer is like the easiest thing a christian can do. what do we do as christians? "oh honey, i'll pray for you!" "please say a prayer for me, i need it today!" and i'm in no way hating on prayer because it is ESSENTIAL for us to have that daily relationship with the Lord. but i'm building my case on why God called me out. sit tight. so, here's me. praying for my husband. "Lord, bless him today. prepare his heart for me. prepare my heart for him. God help him to have a great day today. Help him to be the man of God that you'd have him to be. etc, etc." I've prayed that prayer multiple times in multiple versions. i can sow a seed of prayer. a regular farm-girl of prayer so to speak.

but today, our pastor preached a sermon that really slapped me across the face. he used these verses from acts 3: "3 One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. 2 Now a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. 3 When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. 4 Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” 5 So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them." he talked about how the lame man fully turned his attention to peter and john and EXPECTED to receive from them. he said that so many times as christians, we "hope" and "wish" that God would answer our prayers and meet our needs, but we are to come to Him "expecting." at first, i had a hard time accepting this because i felt almost conceited in expecting something from God. why would i deserve to go to God expecting Him to meet my needs and answer my prayers? but that's not it at all. the pastor told us that expecting something from God shows our true faith in Him, and i was reminded of Hebrews 11:6 that says "and without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." so all the while ive been farming away, praying for this husband of mine, ive truly not been expecting him to come. im being honest. ive been hoping against hope that he's going to come. ive been dying inside to see him come. wishing on every stupid star. blowing every fallen eyelash (its dire-straights out here for a girl!). when all this time, i could have been expecting him! oh, what a revelation! how this changes my faith!

now i said that there were some "ways" that God was trying to call me out. that was one major one, but the other was a few nights ago when i was praying (farming hard...lol) and i was reminded of a verse that literally changed my life in one of the most dramatic ways of all time. we had a ladies retreat in October with Rhonda Holland who can bring a message like no other! in one of the messages on that Saturday, she led us to Hebrews 13: 5-6 and it is absolutely the most lifechanging verse for me. It says (this is the amplified version): "5 Let your [a]character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] [b]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [c]give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [d][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [e]let [you] down ([f]relax My hold on you)! [[g]Assuredly not!] 6 So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?" so a couple of things were pointed out to me from God from this verse (this time!): a)"I will not in any way fail you" meaning that I can EXPECT that he's not going to fail me in something that my heart desires so deeply, b)"(I will not) let you down" - again, He's just not going to let me down. I can trust Him. I can expect Him to answer my sown seeds. In due time, I will reap a harvest. And he's going to be awesome.

And I'll cry so hard at my wedding that my pictures will be worthless. :)

"chubby, single and ready for a pringle"

so I was sitting around thinking about things that could take up my ample amounts of time. i get so tired of watching crappy television and random crap on netflix. there's always the option of reading and i do often pick up a book to read the next chapter in my latest novel. but 15 minutes into that puts me right to sleep. then i wake up and realize that ive only read 6 pages of something and forgotten what my name is. ive done random pinterest projects that either turn out looking like a kindergarten art fair or cost me $50. those obviously can't happen too often. so here i am. at the bowels of boredom, wasting away. but apparently, great things come to those who are sitting in gross, intestine-like places (remember jonah?). i happened upon an idea that i would start up a blog about where i am, right now (i promise not to talk about bowels or intestines anymore...maybe) in life. and mainly, that is to describe the life of a single woman who is waiting. you may have no wish to induldge in the witless rantings of my life, but i promise that it will not be a pity-fest of "why me, Lord?" but more of what it's like to wait and make myself trust that God has my best in mind. so if you're down, let's go! you may read this and say to yourself: "okay, she's only 27. why's it so important to her that she's not married yet?" I think that the society we live in here in the south supports that moreso than anything else. and probably this fact: ALL of my friends are married and having kids, ON PURPOSE! yes, i do have a small, small percentage of friends that are not married, but most of those people are actually in really serious relationships. so, to sum it up, i basically feel like the kid on the ball field that's been left out when all the teams have been picked. and i don't say that for pity's sake. like i said, this is to explain the life of the single woman. and im sure that there are single guys that may feel similarly when all their friends have gotten married. its just the hand that ive been dealt right now. and its okay. but that's not to say that its always easy. i think more than anything that i struggle with is not having anyone to come home to. i told a great friend of mine the other day that sometimes, "i just want to sit in a room with another person." married couples have their thing. there is always someone to be with. and i guess in some cases, that can be looked at in a negative light. some married people reading this could probably say, "i love when i have my alone time!" but ive had 27 years of alone time. im ready for the real love of my life to spend a night on the couch with. im ready to come home to a house that has someone else in it besides maddox...and that is in no way inviting some pyschopath to break in (great, i'll have to check the closets and bathroom now). but as i said in the introductory paragraph, im having to make myself trust that God has my best in store. i find that sometimes, i have to force my faith! and when i truly think about it, it sounds crazy to me because i know that God loves me and wants the absolute best for me. i think i just have less faith in man following out God's plan. but once again, FORCING it out! :)truly, God looked at Adam and knew that it wasn't good for man to be alone. so i know that he has to look at me sometimes and know that its not good for me to be alone. my aspirations alone could get me into trouble in a day! so this is me. im here waiting. two of my very best friends have told me in the past month that it makes them sad because they know the waiting "hurts." and it truly does. but i know that young women and men alike have waited just like i have for the same things that i want. i refuse to settle for anything less than what God has destined for me. i want to marry my best friend. i want to marry a man that cant imagine living another day without being married to me. and most of all, i want to marry a man that is so in love with God that my love comes second. and if that man just happens to be tim tebow, then amen and amen Lord. :)