To Whom It May Concern

While I was browsing music online, as I oftentimes do, I went through some more of The Civil Wars songs. I love their music and happened upon this one. And what a gem I have discovered for my life right now. I've always felt that music has been able to speak for me more than words alone, and this proves that fact. They have such a beautiful, haunting harmony that I love, but the message of the song sings exactly what my heart is longing for. If you have the time, feel the need, and appreciate music as much as I do, give it a listen. And check out the lyrics. This is exactly me. Right now.





Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do
I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

Life Is Not What I Thought It Was

So I'm going to turn 28 in about two weeks. Most of the time, this is what I look forward to for the entire year. I am definitely a "words of affirmation" type of girl, so when people tell me the things they love about me on a special day, I usually look forward to it...

But this year, things are different.

I feel like I'm running on the treadmill of life, but its going way faster than I can keep up with. Or maybe I'm trying to hold water in my hands. Everything just seems to be slipping away too fast. I know, I know, I'm "just" 28. But life is definitely not what I thought it would be at 28.

I guess when I had things planned out, I saw a husband here at this point with possible thoughts towards children. Living in a house somewhere, going through our day to day routine. Together.

But that's not even close to my story.

Instead, that's everyone else's story around me. Celebrating anniversaries, having date nights, planning birthday parties, cuddling on the couch together. Cooking dinner, shopping for groceries, sitting in the same room with someone...all together.

I'm not looking forward to my coming birthday. It's just another reminder that I'm another year older and I'm becoming more alone with each passing day.

And I know that this isn't a cheery blog post. This is real life. It's messy sometimes. And this is definitely the messy part of my life. My faith has definitely been tested in this. I've prayed and prayed. I've gotten no answer. And with no answer in this (what I want most), I feel like maybe I won't get any other answers in life. But I know that this is my greatest test. So I have to be stronger than what I feel. But I can't say that I have good days every day. They are actually few and far between lately. I find comfort in very little anymore. But I'm confident that even in my brokenness and my doubt, maybe a mustard seed will shine through and keep me afloat. That's all He said I needed anyway.

politics, football, and the loss of love for each other.

I know that this blog was set up to talk about my "waiting period" as a single woman, but this topic has been on my heart and I really felt like I needed to share. So here's my outlet.

I think we (including myself), as a society, have become passionate to a fault.

Some of you reading this will probably think, "who are you?" I know that I'm probably one of the most vocal people that you'll come across because I'm passionate. I'm passionate about my beliefs, about my feelings, and about the things that I love. But lately, I've had to learn a lesson quietly and it's really taught me something vital.

This all came about because football season and our election has fallen relatively at the same time. Talk about getting people's feelings and thoughts out there on every social network available! And usually, I'm leading the parade. I love to stand up for what I believe in and I adore to talk junk about the other team, but I just couldn't do it lately. I had to quietly take a backseat and watch. Maybe I'm wrong, but I felt like God wanted me to be quiet and just see what other people's words were doing to each other. And I started learning very quickly that this is not what is healing our world. Stirring up political banter for either side only makes the opposition angry. And truly, nothing that is said on facebook or twitter is going to cause anyone to change their side and vote differently because they see my same viewpoint. Most of it is done, honestly, to either get your same party to agree with you or to spite the other party. And frankly, it's not Christ-like. Like I said before, I have VERY passionate opinions on the subject, but putting them out there on a social forum only adds fuel to a fire that's burning too brightly now. Simply put, I'm allowed to do something about my opinions on November 6th. And so is everyone else in America of age (and qualification).

And speaking of football, I feel like this one is even harder for me than politics! lol. I've had to bite my tongue already and we've only gone through one week of games. It will prove to be a long season. But, my whole point is that I love my friends and even those that I'm not that close to enough not to ostracize them with my words. Will I cheer for my team? With all my heart! Will I put your team down? Not anymore. I just can't see me trying to be a witness to someone who I've turned away with my words about a football team. It's not that important. And that's what we've got to look at. What's really important in all of this.

Jesus had people around him who were passionate to a fault. Simon Peter, one of Jesus' own disciples, got way too passionate during Jesus' arrest and cut a man's ear off! Jesus was like, "um whoa, we don't do that." That's my take on how Jesus handled it...I mean really, he put the man's ear back on his head and made Simon Peter pipe down. But we've all got to take a look at ourselves and see if we are freaking out about things that are insignificant (football) and things that will turn people away (politics). Will we be able to reach those that we've turned away with our words once the election is over? Will we be able to have the same friendships we once had? Are two minutes of venting worth losing love that is so hard to come by in this world?

So I leave you with this. One of the Pharisee's asked Jesus a question:
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” (Matthew 22:36 NIV). Jesus replied, ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Are we being neighborly?

SOOO, tell me whatcha want, whatcha really really want!

tonight, while watching the epic reunion of the spice girls on the olympic closing ceremony, i tried to reminisce over other musical loves from the past. and then it gave me the idea to write a blog post and share it with you peeps. cause i know you love perusing through the ramblings of my boredom (that ends on Wednesday...*cries in anguish*). and you may think to yourself, "um, i thought this blog was all about the single life of a 27 year old waiting on a man. so what does this music post have anything to do with that?" ah, no worries. any of you that truly know me know that i envelope music. i mean, i envelope a lot. i envelope hamburgers, french fries, tacos, cookies, and lately, a LOT of fro-yo. but, symbolically, lets say i envelope music. and any man that's to marry me needs to understand that this is a HUGE part of who i am. and with this blog post, he's going to get to see some of the greats from the past and some of the darker secrets from the past. some of these could be ugly. brace yourselves.

Here we go. Just gonna do songs that I played OUT. I like lists:

1. (Since they rocked the house tonight, I'll start with them.) Spice Girls - Wannabe

Um, had the tape single to this. Kids, if you don't know what a tape single is, get out. I played that junk out. And the part where scary spice starts her rap-type singing was my fav...KILLED IT!

2. (This is one of the scary ones...) Lou Bega - Mambo Number 5

I don't know what it was about Lou, but I could NOT get enough of this stupid song. Fortunately, I've had plenty now. I can't tell you why this song was so catchy to me, but it was definitely a guilty pleasure back in the day for me. It's sad for me to admit now.

3. Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby

Along with the rest of America, I loved this song. I loved ALL of Mariah's old stuff. I've probably said it before, but I randomly asked the "Easter Bunny" for Mariah Carey cd's every year for several years in a row, so I was hooked. But I can fondly remember this music video (when they actually had music videos) of her swinging on that tire swing singing this all-time great! Such a classic.

4. Limp Bizkit - Nookie

Ok, so you may be saying to yourself, "what?! Brooke! Do you know what that song is about?!" Have you ever listened to a song as a kid and then gone back and listened to something as an adult...and then been like, WHAT THE HECK WAS I LISTENING TO?!?! Yeah, had that moment. I truly loved Limp Bizkit because they have that rap/hardcore mix that I dig, but that song was definitely not a good representation of the Christian life...to say the least. And I found that out once I paid attention to the lyrics! I told you, dark secrets! The things you learn as you get older!

5. (And last but not least...I'd do more, but I'm sure you're bored by now!) TLC - No Scrubs

Out of all the music that I've listened to, of all time, I guarantee you I listened to this song the most. Hands down. I had this thing on tape single and I can vividly remember my grandpa letting me always drive his jeep around in his yard all the time. And i was forever slaying every line to this jam. i went to the beach with my grandparents and what did we listen to on the way there? THIS SONG! with my grandparents! i can't believe they listened to it! i'm sitting here laughing at the fact that my grandparents rode all the way to the beach listening to "no scrubs." i was beyond obsessed. im surprised the tape didn't break. tlc did this one right. and they taught me a valuable lesson that fits perfectly into this blog: i will never accept a scrub for a husband. no no no.

so i hope you've enjoyed this journey back into the past crevices of some of my musical dreams and nightmares. if you are a single man reading this, you should go ahead and apply for my hand in marriage because only an awesome woman could have such excellent choices in music and still be single. i'm sure that i'll be going quickly. time's ticking boys. :)

"or do you not think so far ahead? cause i've been thinkin' bout forever."

side note before i get started with this one: i realized in my last post that my blog posted it as a jumbled up conglomerate of sorts. it looked like how my 5th graders start out writing at the beginning of the year, using no paragraphs. i, indeed did, use paragraphs, but they were not posted that way and i couldn't figure out what was going on. i think i have solved the problem this time. if i haven't, then welcome to our world as teachers. fortunately, i think my writing may be a bit more interesting than a 10 years olds...hopefully.

okay, so this one is kind of a wake up call for me. maybe God has been trying to call me out on my faith because all of these things have been leading up to Him really showing me something today. i'll be honest and say that i've been "negative nancy" when it comes to this whole "finding my husband" thing. and im being honest because i know those of you who know me well will call me out (some of you reading this are "uh huhing" at the computer right now...don't deny). last week, our pastor preached a sermon on sowing seeds of prayer. and man, sowing seeds of prayer is like the easiest thing a christian can do. what do we do as christians? "oh honey, i'll pray for you!" "please say a prayer for me, i need it today!" and i'm in no way hating on prayer because it is ESSENTIAL for us to have that daily relationship with the Lord. but i'm building my case on why God called me out. sit tight. so, here's me. praying for my husband. "Lord, bless him today. prepare his heart for me. prepare my heart for him. God help him to have a great day today. Help him to be the man of God that you'd have him to be. etc, etc." I've prayed that prayer multiple times in multiple versions. i can sow a seed of prayer. a regular farm-girl of prayer so to speak.

but today, our pastor preached a sermon that really slapped me across the face. he used these verses from acts 3: "3 One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. 2 Now a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. 3 When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. 4 Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” 5 So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them." he talked about how the lame man fully turned his attention to peter and john and EXPECTED to receive from them. he said that so many times as christians, we "hope" and "wish" that God would answer our prayers and meet our needs, but we are to come to Him "expecting." at first, i had a hard time accepting this because i felt almost conceited in expecting something from God. why would i deserve to go to God expecting Him to meet my needs and answer my prayers? but that's not it at all. the pastor told us that expecting something from God shows our true faith in Him, and i was reminded of Hebrews 11:6 that says "and without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." so all the while ive been farming away, praying for this husband of mine, ive truly not been expecting him to come. im being honest. ive been hoping against hope that he's going to come. ive been dying inside to see him come. wishing on every stupid star. blowing every fallen eyelash (its dire-straights out here for a girl!). when all this time, i could have been expecting him! oh, what a revelation! how this changes my faith!

now i said that there were some "ways" that God was trying to call me out. that was one major one, but the other was a few nights ago when i was praying (farming hard...lol) and i was reminded of a verse that literally changed my life in one of the most dramatic ways of all time. we had a ladies retreat in October with Rhonda Holland who can bring a message like no other! in one of the messages on that Saturday, she led us to Hebrews 13: 5-6 and it is absolutely the most lifechanging verse for me. It says (this is the amplified version): "5 Let your [a]character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] [b]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [c]give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [d][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [e]let [you] down ([f]relax My hold on you)! [[g]Assuredly not!] 6 So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?" so a couple of things were pointed out to me from God from this verse (this time!): a)"I will not in any way fail you" meaning that I can EXPECT that he's not going to fail me in something that my heart desires so deeply, b)"(I will not) let you down" - again, He's just not going to let me down. I can trust Him. I can expect Him to answer my sown seeds. In due time, I will reap a harvest. And he's going to be awesome.

And I'll cry so hard at my wedding that my pictures will be worthless. :)

"chubby, single and ready for a pringle"

so I was sitting around thinking about things that could take up my ample amounts of time. i get so tired of watching crappy television and random crap on netflix. there's always the option of reading and i do often pick up a book to read the next chapter in my latest novel. but 15 minutes into that puts me right to sleep. then i wake up and realize that ive only read 6 pages of something and forgotten what my name is. ive done random pinterest projects that either turn out looking like a kindergarten art fair or cost me $50. those obviously can't happen too often. so here i am. at the bowels of boredom, wasting away. but apparently, great things come to those who are sitting in gross, intestine-like places (remember jonah?). i happened upon an idea that i would start up a blog about where i am, right now (i promise not to talk about bowels or intestines anymore...maybe) in life. and mainly, that is to describe the life of a single woman who is waiting. you may have no wish to induldge in the witless rantings of my life, but i promise that it will not be a pity-fest of "why me, Lord?" but more of what it's like to wait and make myself trust that God has my best in mind. so if you're down, let's go! you may read this and say to yourself: "okay, she's only 27. why's it so important to her that she's not married yet?" I think that the society we live in here in the south supports that moreso than anything else. and probably this fact: ALL of my friends are married and having kids, ON PURPOSE! yes, i do have a small, small percentage of friends that are not married, but most of those people are actually in really serious relationships. so, to sum it up, i basically feel like the kid on the ball field that's been left out when all the teams have been picked. and i don't say that for pity's sake. like i said, this is to explain the life of the single woman. and im sure that there are single guys that may feel similarly when all their friends have gotten married. its just the hand that ive been dealt right now. and its okay. but that's not to say that its always easy. i think more than anything that i struggle with is not having anyone to come home to. i told a great friend of mine the other day that sometimes, "i just want to sit in a room with another person." married couples have their thing. there is always someone to be with. and i guess in some cases, that can be looked at in a negative light. some married people reading this could probably say, "i love when i have my alone time!" but ive had 27 years of alone time. im ready for the real love of my life to spend a night on the couch with. im ready to come home to a house that has someone else in it besides maddox...and that is in no way inviting some pyschopath to break in (great, i'll have to check the closets and bathroom now). but as i said in the introductory paragraph, im having to make myself trust that God has my best in store. i find that sometimes, i have to force my faith! and when i truly think about it, it sounds crazy to me because i know that God loves me and wants the absolute best for me. i think i just have less faith in man following out God's plan. but once again, FORCING it out! :)truly, God looked at Adam and knew that it wasn't good for man to be alone. so i know that he has to look at me sometimes and know that its not good for me to be alone. my aspirations alone could get me into trouble in a day! so this is me. im here waiting. two of my very best friends have told me in the past month that it makes them sad because they know the waiting "hurts." and it truly does. but i know that young women and men alike have waited just like i have for the same things that i want. i refuse to settle for anything less than what God has destined for me. i want to marry my best friend. i want to marry a man that cant imagine living another day without being married to me. and most of all, i want to marry a man that is so in love with God that my love comes second. and if that man just happens to be tim tebow, then amen and amen Lord. :)